Grief
by HopelesslyFictional
Summary: Maya doesn't want to let herself feel, but at some point she has to deal with Campbell's decision. ONE SHOT.


**Hi everyone! So, I'm an emotional wreck after that episode of Degrassi. That was... too much. Literally every time I think about all of Camaya's memories together, I cry. I can't believe they ****_actually _****did it. They killed him.**

**The next episodes of Degrassi are going to be hell for me. I don't know if I can handle them.**

**Anyway, I still plan on finishing my story ****_Permanent _****but I just couldn't find motivation to write that right now. I just needed to write something a little more somber and yeah... I hope you guys like it!**

She opened one eye and peeked out into the dark room searching for the clock. She could feel the usual effects of morning and was less than thrilled when she noticed the clock read 7:15.

Great. She had less than twenty minutes to get ready and get to school.

Completely unconcerned about the risk of being late, she decided to text her boyfriend hoping that they hadn't actually broken up the day before.

"Hey Cheesy! I miss you. I just wish you would answer my texts. I know you said that it was over but it doesn't feel over to me. I still want this to work out. Please text me back, Cam."

She decided she would straighten her hair while waiting for a reply. A good ten minutes came and went and she could feel herself growing impatient.

_Maybe he's still asleep. He is suspended after all. There's no way he's just ignoring me. I didn't do anything wrong! _

Reaching for her phone on her nightstand, Maya found 'Cheesy' on her contact list and hit the call button.

One ring. Two rings. _Come on, Campbell, pick up!_ Three rings. Four rings. _He can't really be this mad can he?_ Five rings.

Voicemail.

"Hey, you've reached Cam. Sorry I missed your call, but leave me a message and I'll answer as soon as I can!"

And that's when it hit her. Maybe it was the sound of his voice. Maybe it was simply her repressed memories making themselves known.

But when the realization came, it hit her like a ton of bricks.

She felt herself wobble, could barely hear the beep sound in her ear indicating it was time to leave a message. Her throat tightened up and she felt so dizzy she practically collapsed to the ground.

_No, no, no, no. It was all supposed to be a dream. This can't be real! _

But it was.

Campbell Saunders was dead. Her boyfriend was dead.

The next few minutes flew by in a blur as she tried to recollect everything that had happened and everything she had said the day before.

Her body felt numb, her lips dry, her hands clammy.

She had been so angry yesterday, so incredibly angry. Today, though, she couldn't even differentiate her emotions. They all clouded together and left her with an indescribable feeling of emptiness.

She sat there on the ground for what seemed like hours before deciding that she should attend school.

There was no reason not to.

He was gone, he killed himself, he didn't care enough about her to fight. There was nothing that could be done about any of it.

All she could do was accept it and move on. And that's what she intended to do.

After arguing with Katie and convincing her parents that she was fine, she finally found herself in the passenger seat of Katie's car on the way to Degrassi.

_You can do this, Maya._

The day moved by painfully slow. By the time third period rolled around, Maya was already losing interest.

Everything reminded her of him. His locker, the gym doors, hockey letterman jackets, the French room...

_The French room_. Maya had gotten through the day relatively fine until it was time for French. She stood in front of the room but could not will herself to step inside.

As she stood there, she saw him sitting in his usual spot smiling at her to come sit next to him. She almost ran to him, throwing her arms around him, until she blinked and saw that he was gone. That he was never there.

As she stood watching the classroom, memories flooded her mind.

_"Tu es tr__è_s belle." 

_"Well, that's not gonna help you during the exam but..." _

One tear.

_"I'm not good at telling you things, but I like you. A lot." _

Two tears.

_"I missed his lips and nibbled his ear. Guess those millions are down the drain!"_

Three tears.

She thought of their first meeting and the way she felt her hand in his when he passed his oral exam.

The tears were falling freely now.

She said she wouldn't cry. He didn't deserve her tears. He left her alone.

_He left her. _

But the longer she stared looking at their desks, the more tears filled her eyes.

She knew she had to get away.

Pushing through the nearest double doors, Maya found herself gulping the fresh air realizing that she had been holding her breath for quite some time.

She focused on the sky above her, searching for something. For him. For answers. For renewal. For anything.

Out of the corner of her eye, something caught her attention. She turned her head and saw Jake and Katie's greenhouse. It looked the same as it always had but it was so vastly changed.

She had heard a rumor that the greenhouse was where they found him.

Curiously she started walking towards the entrance not really sure what she hoped to find.

Truthfully, she wanted to find Cam there. She wanted him to smile when he saw her and run toward her, arms extended. She wanted to wrap herself around his body and kiss him senseless. She wanted him to whisper in her ear and assure her that he wasn't really gone, that it was all a mistake.

But as she rounded the corner, she was met with an empty greenhouse. Tomatoes, a few dead plants, a bucket, a hose, and... Cautionary police tape.

There was only so much that it spelled "CAUT-". Someone must have sloppily missed it as they were cleaning up the scene.

Those four letters, that small shred of tape, that bright yellow that mocked her bleak demeanor, it all made her so outrageously angry.

She stomped over to the piece of tape and ripped it down with such force a pot fell from the adjacent table.

The crash resounded in her ears and she liked it. She felt powerful, untouchable, unbreakable.

She quickly picked up another pot and threw it across the room.

_SMASH. _

And then another. And another. And another.

She yanked the hose from the wall and watched as water spurted from the broken pipe.

"YOU DIDN'T WANT ME ANYMORE? I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

Finding the rows of cucumbers neatly growing, Maya started plucking them one by one.

"FINE! I DON'T NEED YOU EITHER THEN! I'LL BE FINE WITHOUT YOU!"

She picked up clumps of dirt and felt it between her fingers. She noticed how they sullied her fingernails but found it too hard to care in her blind rage.

She threw the dirt and then ran for the bucket.

"I NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAY! I WAS JUST A STUPID GIRL THAT THOUGHT THAT YOU CARED ABOUT ME BUT YOU NEVER DID!"

She swung the bucket at everything in her path knocking over pots, ripping flowers from their beds, and destroying everything.

All of a sudden, the rage that had been so prominent before dimmed to almost nothing. And she stood there staring at the mess she had created.

All at once, she slid down alongside a table and felt new tears emerge from her eyes.

She sobbed harder than she ever had before, feeling the sadness and the betrayal and the confusion sweep over her. For the first time, she let herself grieve.

"Why did you do it, Campbell? I loved you so much. I loved you so, so much. I would have done anything to help you. I would have helped you!"

Her tears spouted from her eyes more than ever now.

"Didn't you love me? I just wish you would have trusted me enough to tell me what was going on. Campbell, I miss you so much. My chest hurts, I feel sick, my brain feels like its going to explode. I just want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay, that none of this is real."

She curled up into a ball and lay her head on a mound of dirt she had moments before deposited onto the ground.

"I can't do this without you, Campbell. I need you. Where are you?"

"You can be dead. Oh God, please. You can't be dead, Campbell!"

Somewhere off in the distance, she heard the bell ring signaling that fourth period had started. She knew it was only a matter of time until someone found her and saw what she had done but she didn't care. She couldn't move even if she wanted to.

And so she lay there, tears streaming down her face, wondering what his last thoughts were before he did it. Wondering if he missed her wherever he was. Wondering if he was okay. Wondering why all of this happened, why he couldn't just be happy.

She felt a sudden gust of wind envelop her. It wasn't a cold wind gust like one would expect on such a chilly day. It was warm and it felt like home. And somehow she just knew that it was Campbell, hugging her and promising her that everything would get better.

She could feel him around her, knew that he was there. She knew he was trying to say the words he had never gotten to confess in this life.

And so she responded the only way she knew how.

"I love you too, Campbell Saunders. So much."


End file.
